Friday, April 3, 2009

Brighter days are on the way my friend...

I am preaching to the choir here.

There are days when I look at where I'm at in life and I consider all of the blessings. And then there are the dark days, where discouragement creeps in and Satan pokes me and tells me how useless my life is. I have to admit that I have been struggling with some depression in the last month or so. Just when it seems that I can actually function with a real smile on my face, those deceptive thoughts about my life creep back in. You know the ones. They sound like this, "You don't matter." "You're not valuable." "You have never accomplished anything in your life." "You are incapable." "You are nothing but a big failure." There are so many more.

I know these sound harsh but the reality of it is that many people, yes even Christians, get depressed. We are not immune. And we entertain thoughts that are destructive.

I've been trying to pinpoint the place of the depression and this is what I have come up with: 1) I am not accepting, nor believing God's truth about who I am. His word says that I am a masterpiece, intricately woven by the Master Himself. He has uniquely gifted me yet I have allowed people's opinions of my gifts determine how I will feel about them, and subsequently use them. I have allowed the opinions of others towards me determine how I feel about myself. 2) I am lonely. Being home and jobless has been hugely depressing for me because of the isolation. And when you are already feeling alone it's wierd, but you don't feel like being around anyone else. There's such a stigma on sadness and depression and you have to wear a mask because most people just want you to snap out of it. 3) I had put so much of the value of who I am on what I did for a living, on where I worked and what people there thought of me. I've allowed success to be defined by the job that I did at work 4) I have never put the value on my family that God intended for me to place on them. The value of being a godly wife, a godly mother. I can't help wondering if God has intentionally given me this time at home to spend getting to know Him better and take better care of my family. Everytime I think about our financial situation my heart hurts and gets heavy. I know that not having my income has hurt us, but I feel that if God wanted me working He would have provided a job, I am sending out resumes almost daily, and networking with so many different people. I have so many ideas but can't seem to bring them to fruition. And this is where I give up. I hate that I let discouragement be my companion. I know there are better friends to spend time with.

I poured out my heart to John last night. He's so supportive. He says he's not worried about our finances and that we WILL be debt free in the next couple of years. I guess I would feel better about being out of work if we didn't have the debt looming over our heads that we do. But I guess that this is also where God does His best work.

So this morning I decided that I am going to act. I decided that I needed to take the 1st step and then let God do the leading and guiding. I mean isn't that where the faith comes in...when you just start walking???

Today I am starting a "grateful for" journey and will document daily for the next 30 days 1 thing I am grateful for. I am also going to spend the 1st 30 minutes of the day with my Creator, and not myself or my new companion (discouragement). I am going to take pride in the things I accompish in my home and pray that God will mobilize me to work in the areas He has gifted me in.

I pray that through this my life will be forever changed, my eyes will have clear focus, my heart will be lifted, others will be blessed and that God would be glorified. I pray that I truly find the purpose for which I was created.

Today I am grateful for: 1) being able to write

Until next time...

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