Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Fear Not

The flu has been running rampant through our house. Didn't invite it. We weren't "prepared" for it. It just showed up. First Michelle, then me and now John. (He is home in bed with a fever and chills. I know he hates having to be in the bed but the cats are loving it :) He makes a great pillow!)

Today we take Michelle to get her passport. She felt God nudging her on communion Sunday that she was supposed to go with the youth group to Trinidad. My first reaction was visible anger. If she was going to go, there was a meeting right then and we weren't prepared to go to a meeting. Plus we had missed the first 2 deadlines, she hadn't filled out any paperwork, or gone to any of the initial meetings. Also, we didn't have the money to support her. I could think of a half dozen reasons why she wasn't supposed to go however the truth of the matter was that God was calling her. I knew it. I couldn't deny it, though I wanted to. And the anger I was feeling was totally displaced. And in delving further into my own heart I could see that it wasn't anger that I was feeling, it was fear. I had a couple of dreams the week prior. They were very disturbing and normally I don't remember my dreams but I did remember these because they had to do with my daughter traveling. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not one of those who follows stars, horoscopes, visions or dreams. It's not one of those twilight moments. But these dreams woke me up and in one I remember sobbing. It was horrible. And my fear was starting to dictate my actions.

Then I remembered conversations with Michelle about how important it was to go on a missions trip at least once. I never had these opportunities at her age. She was scared of being in a foreign country around people she didn't know and I was trying to convince her that God could use her in spite of her fears. (I was preaching to the choir here). At the time of these conversations I was working and we could help financially. Now I am out of work and cannot help the way we would have been able to had she said yes to the call in October when this first came up. At that time she was adamant that she was not going so for me, I had put everything in a "locked file" in my brain thinking it would never come up. I felt "safe".

The truth of the matter was that God wasn't calling her in October. He made His desire known to her during prayer on communion Sunday, a time when by all human standards it seemed impossible for her to be able to go.

Now those dreams surfaced and I didn't like this at all. All I could think of was "we're not prepared". But that's a sorry excuse, if it's one at all. We are called to be prepared at all times. We need to be prepared to drop everything and go where He sends us and trust that He will make a way and provide our protection and our needs. We're told to be prepared with an answer for the hope that we have. We spend our whole lives preparing for just such moments as these. Or at least we're supposed to and now I can see my failures and how they have affected our ability to support this cause, or any cause. My failure to put money away for the future, my failure to put God's word in my heart. My transparency is painful...but helpful. I am sorrowful...yet hopeful. In our selfish acts of living for today our God still prepares for tomorrow. He still provides for His will. And because I know that He has called Michelle at this time, to this place, I know He will provide. In fact, it's in these situations where He does His best work. I know this to be true so why am I always so amazed when it happens?!

My daughter, who is so shy and introverted, felt God calling on her heart to plant seeds in another country, to reach beyond her own limitations and allow God to stretch and grow her. Who am I to stand in the way? Her mother? Yeah, but HE is her Father. I know that whatever happens to us is filtered through His loving hands, and He has called her to lavish His love in a place of His choosing. As He tenders her heart, and strengthens her courage, I look forward to seeing the daisies she is going to plant.

Until next time...

1 comment:

  1. So exciting!

    I do hope that John feels much better today and the cats will just have to find another "pillow".